You make Me a demon!
Photo of me by EwaMaria Rönnbäck taken 2005
Have you heard of those relationships where that very calm guy who never hurt anyone, turned into a jealous monster hitting people?
Have you heard about a woman who was usually very calm and kind, but turned into a hysterical bitch every other day?
Both persons mentioned above are in the wrong relationships. They fell in love with someone who wakes up all their demons, who makes them insecure. Insecurity is built on fears. We must not ignore and look down on our or anybodies fears. Fears are neutral like any force - it can be used constructively and destructively. It is the way we treat fears that makes the final result - how do we react when we are afraid or when our partner is afraid? Are we aware that jealousy is always a fear? Fear of being hurt, disappointed, humiliated, left alone. Are we aware that we make a person that trusts us insecure? Do we want that? A relationship built on insecurity where fear can grow will never last. Fear can only grow when there is no trust and confidence. So emotional security and a solid friendship neutralize the fears into a passive state. Emotional security is that feeling of confiedence that we give what our partner needs and he/she is completely satisified. If we have the feeling we can't give enough, that we are not enough as we are, then something is wrong. Our partner will always look for something else no matter how much we give, no matter how beautiful, successful and lovin we are. It is that perfect amount of giving exactly what the particular person needs to feel emotionally secure.
Do you have a partner that gives you that feeling that you won't be left alone when you least need it, that she/he will catch you when you fall? Yes. With such a partner your fears don't have to act like an aggressive army of raging defenders. Your fears are in balance.
How do we find such a partner? Building confidence we do only when we are in need, when we are weak. In weakness the true loving one will stay. When two weak people can be strong together, then it is the best. They know it is their partnership against the world.
Once you had someone you felt safe with, but your paths took different directions and now you have a new partner. This new one is so wonderful because of our expectations, but we don't know if this person will stay when we get sick or lose our job. We just don't know. Only time, setting up hard situations for your partnership can prove what is right or wrong. Until then you give more and more, and your expectations are growing. You become emotionally dependent on someone who you don't really know, for only in hard times we get to really know somebody. Being dependent on someone who might betray you at any time, builds up frustration. The army of fears is collecting now to defend you for you don't want to be hurt. You demand security. But security comes with time. There is no quick fix there. Patience, please! And what can you expect from your unreliable partner? You don't really know. The frustration is growing into dramatic discussions. You scream and fight because you need to defend yourself from what you don't know will be. Your intuition is warning you.
What is wrong in all those cases?
We give too much before we know if the other person is worth it. Give less and give the right type of love, or search further for your type of partner.
The best relationships are those where the partners know each other very well, the wills and the values are the same, though the personalities are completing each other's weaknesses with one other's strength - like pieces of a puzzle. It is about balance, not being alike or competing with each other. You are partners not competitors.
The best relationships are built on friendship. Friendship is a boat and life is a storm. We rock the boat together and if someone leaves the boat then confidence is ruined, and that someone is not the right partner.
Everyone has fears and demons. Those who preach that they are fearless and look down on other fears have never been challenged enough. Life will chalange them to meet the demon deep within them. (I am smiling) I never considered myself jealous, but I found quite late in life that I am extremely jealous. I do not accept any competitors in my private life. I do not like to discuss it, so my partner must feel it. If they can't, they are out of my life for I don't want to be hurt. Who wants to be hurt? May be masochists. But I never met such a person. With the wrong partner, I am a demon. You too. I do not like my jealousy to be provoked, so I eliminate partners who can activate my fears and make me insecure.
Better alone than in the wrong company.
I don't really care what psychology or other people think about me being a controlling person. I control my destiny and my army of fears has a weapon of local destruction - my intuition. My feeling of safety and happiness are much more important than others' opinions. And so is your happiness. When we let a partner in, we become vulnerable. Dependence, no matter emotional or economical, makes us vulnerable. You don't want to be hurt. Entangled in the fear of being hurt, many people choose loneliness. Well, it is a choice and it must be respected.
The other way of bringing someone out of balance is taking too much care of the person. We care and love, and make their life easy until they turn into a child. It could be a perfectly balanced grown up individual when we got together, but our love fed their ego so it grew unhealthy. We gave and gave, presents and help, so we made them passive, comfortable and lazy. Nothing wrong with that but when their ego can not handle it, they start to take you for granted. Don't fix everything, leave them tasks so they care for themselves and even help others. This is how we grow and balance our ego. Being treated like children we become children. It is so comfortable not growing up. I know relationships where one partner was pushed too hard to grow up, so they leave and find another "parent" to take care of them. It is very attractive when a person can handle life on their own, so don't take this attractiveness from them, because you might cease to be attracted to them, and then you wonder "where is all love gone?". Well, you loved the love away… Believe me, I have been that unbalanced person to care for someone as if they were kids. It is very effective for a while, but in the long term it kills the attraction and makes your partner lazy.
So don't grow either your or other's egos unhealthy. Don't make others passive and don't become too passive yourself. Life is all about balance and balance is not constant. It depends on your thoughts, feelings and actions in everyday life.
A song I wrote together with a great composer Kari Kainulainen 2010.