Panic and anxiety...
The Scream, 1893 by Edvard Munch
The day before yesterday I had a panic attack. It lasted for a while. I spare you the dramatic details. I fell asleep with anxiety.
I woke up a few hours later and looked at my phone. A decision out of my control has been taken. This decision could turn my entire economy upside-down and put me in a helpless situation. A new panic attack was triggered. This one lasts for a longer period of time and then the anxiety came again to stay for the day. Fortunately, the problem was solved quite quickly but the traumas stored in my soul had woken up and all of them were screaming what a failure I am. Of course, this is a matter of a point of view. I am not a failure and nor are you. Everything that happens to us, happens of a reason. But at the moment of panic, and during the deepest of anxiety reason is not welcome. There are just emotions that rule the game of our behavior. Those emotions have to be listened to, understood, forgiven and it all starts from ourselves. It starts from me.
I chose to be alone. For another person a company might be a better solution. For several years, I could not choose a proper company. I had only one constructive choice; to learn dealing with panic and anxiety on my own. Sometimes, a company is a problem. You just yell at them for no reason because your trauma is screaming inside and you don’t want to listen. So I went to work for years being among people who did not give a shit about me. At work you are a biological robot to be used and you are supposed to behave in a certain way. Nobody cares about you as a human being - about your pains and emotions, neither your thoughts. Well, when trauma is unhandled your behavior transforms because the darkness within you must go out. It must be expressed somehow. Therefore some people hate. Others hurt themselves or others. They create intrigues and energetic chaos at work or at home, or everywhere. Others get drunk either every day or in the weekends and the hangover is the punishment with all anxiety coming with its consequences. Trauma is not an excuse. It is just a cause, a reason that must be controlled so we don’t hurt others or ourselves. More pain do not cure old pain. Love and serenity does. I could do none of these destructive activities but probably yell at my child. This is not good either. I cried no matter where I was. I cried for years, every day. I smiled and talked about wine and food, about what I was expected to talk and the tears where just running. Everyone thought I am nuts - an unstable drama queen. But my soul was sick and still it is when I lose control. There is so much we can not control in our lives. The healing process is not a just yoga course like the New Age people suggest. If you have a deep trauma, an entire transformation of your lifestyle and mindset is needed. This is not a guarantee that you will be free from emotional pain at long as you live. You just have to find a way to handle it, reduce triggers, take as much control as possible over your daily life and try to achieve independency as much as possible (both economically, emotionally and in your rational mind).
Yesterday, I did what I advice people to do in my book: I worked with some handcraft. I reduced my contacts that day, so I could cry and precess my thoughts undisturbed. And when the problem that triggered the trauma got solved, I could lock my demons back in the dungeon of my soul where they belong.
If you want to know more how we could deal rationally and practically, without medication, with our trauma expressed in form of panic and anxiety, you can read my book The Door. It is available as both audiobook and E-book in English and Swedish.
Listen to a teaser here:
Buy the book here:
https://www.bokus.com/cgi-bin/product_search.cgi?ac_used=no&search_word=stella+tormanoff+the+door
