In search for unconditional love
I have been a giver a predominant part of my life. First of all, the giving type of people often believe they give unconditionally, but is it so? When we don’t get anything back, or at least not what we have expected, then we get angry, hurt and disappointed. Oceans of tears we have cried dew to lack of understanding of the natural law of metaphysics. That's why as long as we don’t understand the general polarity of the human soul, we might suffer until we break and die inside.
In my book ”The Door - manual for managing panic, anxiety and depression”, which will be published in English in a few months, I briefly analyze the matter of loving the right way and the right person and I recommend the book of Erich Fromm ”The Art of Loving”. I encourage every one to take time to find the correct definitions of love because without knowledge we can’t ever repair our relationships. Some relationships can’t be repaired. They must be left behind as a good hard lesson as we remember time in school. But did we learned our lesson?
The love of a mother is conditional, for if you hit her in the face, she will feel hurt and disappointed. This means she had some expectations for basic respect. Well, any expectation is a condition. So it is quite simple. This is an example or the love between a parent and a child called STORGE (The Bible).
The most conditional love is the one between lovers - EROS (The Bible). There I see the greatest disappointments, because it is the most naive illusion of romance to search unconditional love in an intimate relationships. Don’t bother to mention purely sexual relationships because they have nothing to do with love. Love is tolerance, understanding, support, creating together - not some sexual attraction. Sexual attraction is an instinct to reproduce on the physical level and a lesson to learn for the soul (on the metaphysical level). When all the solid ground stones of true love mntioned above are at place, and you are aware of them then you will attract to the person. If you don't feel physical attraction despite all this, then you are simply not right for each other, at least not for an intimate relationship. You are best freinds only and experience the platonic love in friendship or called PHILIA in the Bible. Of course, if your friends give you something, they expect at least the same in return. If it just a company, respect, comfort, understanding, support, there are always expectations or let’s call them the right name - conditions.
Then there is that unconditional love where I place charity. It is called AGAPE in the Bible and this is also defined as the love of God. We might experience agape when an opportunity is given to us, it is like destiny. A door with a new possibility opens, a recovery from a serious disease, a person who helps. This is the love of God, but I consider that even the divine love is conditioned by the natural law. If we hit our head into the wall and we refuse to accept the laws of nature then God will not save us. We will break our heads and die. The wall will never break. This allegory is valid in metaphysical issues as well.
Let’s get back to the givers and the takers. Life is not black and white. There are 50 shades of gray in between. As long as we ride in high speed on a pendulum between the extremes of black and white, happiness and pain, falling in love and then getting disappointed, there is something wrong with our expectations. Either we have not a true knowledge of ourselves or experience enough to read the other person. We all have different expectations from a partner. One expects a lot, the other one very little. They have not clarified the conditions for each other and there is major clash of illusions. Pain and tears, suffering and accusations. Then we ride that pendulum hitting one side where we shout out ”I’m a giver! I give unconditional love! Come and take me!”. What do you think happens then? The reality serves us what we wish mixed up in a special cocktail with what we must learn to understand the natural laws. The result is a taker entering our life: ”Oh, there is a stupid giver here. I like such ones.” Where I come from we have a saying that ”stupid is the one who gives, not the one who takes”. We all know the boring relationship coming out of this. Then the disappointed giver who gaves the wrong amount of energy and resources to the wrong kind of person, is so hurt that the pain triggers hate. Now we share those quotes in social media where it is said that you must be an egoist to get love, you must be a bitch to be respected. This is not true. If you play the role of a taker as a revenge for you have been hurt, then you will hurt other people and they will leave you when they feel cheated. People will fear you, not love you. Was it fear or love you were searching? You can’t ever experience true love by being a taker only. The natural law, or called karma by some, will give you the same in return - the suffering you have caused but in another form. I have seen great narcissistic manipulators who indulged themselves in the abundance of love. They might be famous, beautiful and talented and they take until their senses cease to work. They are not able to experience pleasure any more. And they rot in loneliness or drug-abuse, forgotten by their children… was it called karma?
So take it easy and search for balance, not for unconditional love. Don’t end up in the extremes for it takes a lot of energy. The illusion of love might give you as huge joy as painful the disappointment will be. Don’t get stuck in the looks and in the material world only. Look deep inside yourself and learn to see deep into the souls of others. Then there is relativity in everything. When Jesus was asked why does he choose the companionship of a prostitute insted of the one of higher social classes, he answered: "Because they give their leftovers only while she gives everything she has". It is a lot of wisdom in this story and people must remember when they search for their so called "perfect" partner. Perfection does not exists. Balance does.